Billy Connolly Quotes About Funny
-
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
→ -
A fart is just your arse applauding.
→ -
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
→ -
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
→ -
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
→ -
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
→ -
I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
→ -
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
→ -
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
→ -
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
→ -
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
→ -
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
→ -
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
→ -
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
→ -
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
→ -
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
→ -
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
→ -
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
→ -
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
→ -
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
→ -
Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... wrll, it's because the national anthem is boring.
→ -
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
→ -
All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
→ -
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".
→ -
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
→ -
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
→ -
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
→ -
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
→
Related Authors
-
Sean Patrick Flanery Actor -
Kelly Macdonald Actress -
Tom Courtenay Actor -
Craig Ferguson Talk show host -
Liam Aiken Actor -
Pamela Stephenson Clinical psychologist -
Eddie Izzard Comedian -
Maggie Smith Actress -
Timothy Spall Character actor -
Bill Hicks Comedian -
John Cleese Actor -
Dean O'Gorman Actor -
Sylvester McCoy Actor -
Troy Duffy Film director -
Julie Walters Actress -
Sean Connery Actor -
Manu Bennett Actor -
Kevin McKidd Television actor -
Emma Thompson Actress -
Gerry Rafferty Singer-songwriter