Chelsea Handler Quotes About Comedy

• I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

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  Chelsea Handler

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• We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

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  Chelsea Handler

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• My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.

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  Chelsea Handler

  Chelsea Handler (2005). “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, p.35, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

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• Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.

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• Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

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  Chelsea Handler

  Chelsea Handler (2009). “Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”, p.112, Simon and Schuster

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• I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

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  Chelsea Handler

  Want  

  Chelsea Handler (2014). “My Horizontal Life”, p.61, Random House

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• At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

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  Chelsea Handler

  Chelsea Handler (2005). “My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands”, p.181, Bloomsbury Publishing USA

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• My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

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• You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

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  Chelsea Handler

  Chelsea Handler (2009). “Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea”, p.141, Simon and Schuster

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• Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

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  Chelsea Handler

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• Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

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  Chelsea Handler

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